I sit on full airplanes with tears streaming silently down my face, I doubt my innate abilities and talents, I put up with more than I should, and yes I can even be needy at times.  Yes, I too am an emotional creature.

I long for extrinsic validation and to be the object of someone’s desire.  I yearn for unbridled passion, and sometimes think it will prove that I am worthy of the love appreciation, and affection I so often crave.

I feel guilt when I don’t embody perfection and I shudder when the scale moves two pounds.  Yes, I too am an emotional creature.

The last five months have at times felt like a hurdle I might never overcome, as I lied to myself and accepted more than any woman my age, intelligence, and gifts ever should.  Love does not feel this way.

Here is what I now know for sure:

Never again….

….will my personal and professional life be out of alignment

….will I lose myself in order to “save” another

….will I give freely until I am depleted and emotionally bankrupt

Never again…will I let good sex lure me into your swindle…or anyone elses for that matter.

I’d rather be alone than lonely and find pleasure in the technological contraptions that you made me shun.

Never again will I sit in this place and feel my stomach turn to the point of despair, fear for my safety in my own home, or feel anxiety by someone’s pending arrival.  Yes, I too am an emotional creature-but as cliché as it may sound I AM A SURVIVOR.

This world is made up of two things: Love and Fear.  My world does not know fear.  There is only love.  I can face any challenge and battle my darkest demons and still land on my feet.  As the plane starts to descend, I stare out over the water and I know in my core, I am stronger than this tidal wave of emotion.  I may be human, but I still know how to ROAR.

To my closest friends that have supported me in this transition Thank You.  I never imagined I would ever find myself in this place.  It only proves there are no boundaries to emotional or physical abuse: race, class, gender, or academic achievement.  I hope my openness allows someone else to speak up instead of shrinking with embarrassment.  There is no shame in admitting you need help.  I promise it doesn’t get better, not until you walk away.

I have spent the last 13 years of my life (and for that matter many of the years before that) trying to prove to you I was worthy of saving when my life was awry.   All I’ve ever wanted was a little validation about the woman I am, the way I live my life, and the work I choose to do.   It doesn’t seem like it should be rocket science, but for some reason the words must come so hard to you.   Sometimes when I tell you exciting things about my life, it might be nice for you to fake an ounce of enthusiasm for my endeavors. 

Corporate life has served you well, no doubt. And yes, yes I admit, I benefitted off the spoils of that life and was blessed with a college education and much more….but could you open your mind for just one brief moment and recognize that you reared two amazingly talented children that in their own little ways are changing the world.

It may not be your path and may not look like what you envisioned but it has value none the less.  Sometimes when I hear your half-hearted response “That’s Good” it makes me so mad I just want to shake you out of your Stepford stupor. You miss me and want me to come home, you wonder why my brother who lives an hour away doesn’t visit more often or let you in on his world???

NEWSFLASH: Every child wants their parents to understand them and the world they live in. Every child wants their parent to be proud of them and their accomplishments. I know I’m being entirely too hard on you, but I am so angry at myself that I can’t seem to master this lesson.  I am always hoping that you could see me the way others do, let alone the way I see myself.

My brother, who I have had a tumultuous relationship my whole life, actually gets it.  Here is an excerpt of a text conversation we had this morning:

Me: “Remind me if I ever have my own children to tell them how proud of them I am. Our parents suck sometimes and I wish I didn’t let them get to me.”

Tim: “You have to be you, it’s your life. If you are confident in yourself you don’t need others approval. You are a strong woman so why depend on other’s opinions.”

Me: “I don’t except from them. I’m an amazing woman doing amazing things that make a difference in the world in their own small way and I know it.”

Tim: ”Then if you know it-why worry bout what others think. I keep going everyday when people say I’m doing it incorrectly because I have faith in what I am doing. (Note: He’s a research doctor) They are the ones who just won’t get it. If it upsets them so be it. It isn’t my intention. But it does mean I often go it alone and I have had to accept that, but it is no easy task. Do you know my goal every day is to save the world through research? Everyone scoffs and says set your goal lower you will never achieve it. Set it to something reasonable…They tell me their goal is to run a pcr a 5 minute procedure. What is the point of goals if they are easily achievable? We did a strategic plan and on my group I set lofty goals. They said we can’t achieve that in one year. I said this plan should be our vision that guides our actions. When I worked with Texas A & M they set their plan as goals and in it they recognized that they were not Harvard by perception but could achieve better. They became one of the top 3 vet schools by doing so, surpassing Cornell and Davis, by not being afraid. You have to do the same, do what you believe.

Me: “I get it and that’s what I’ve done. It’s why my team is so successful. The lofty goals and vision drives them to rise to the occasion and rally around something they care about.”

Tim: “Don’t let those without vision be your anchor.”

All I am going to say is I am blessed. I am grateful to call this man my brother, who is forging his own path and making a difference.  He had some big breakthroughs in his research this week and I will say I am incredibly proud of the work he does.

And Jen and Ash, if I haven’t said it enough, “I love you. I’m proud of you. Every moment, good and bad, was worth it to see you exploring your own paths today.  All that I could ever want for you is for you to be healthy and happy.”

And as for myself, I’m okay with being misunderstood and the few people around me that get it and/or me are plenty. And as Joan of Arc said, “I am not afraid, for I was born to do this.”

http://www.illuminatedmind.net/2008/08/07/liberate-your-life-put-yourself-on-auto-response/

I re-read this this morning and I’m re-posting it to hold me accountable to drink it all in.  I’m gonna go soak in some culture to stir my soul and quiet my mind.  Life is too short for anything else.

tap dance my way to work once again

get in my car and drive until the road runs out

veer to a different airplane gate and disappear overseas leaving everything behind without a trace

write, speak, facilitate and strategize for other organizations and then fly away when it gets to the implementation stage

tell my story without regret

be a perpetual student but without all the debt

love without abandon

trust without fear

hike the Appalachian Trail

be a fly on the wall and eavesdrop on people’s conversations

start my own foundation and fund projects that take big risks for big wins

see a woman become President of the United States

take 2 weeks off and not come back to overdue projects, overflowing inboxes, or any chaos or problem solving demands

lay in my mom’s lap and shed my tears while she brushes my hair through her fingertips

lay in the grass and watch the clouds float by

laugh with Jenna until my muscles hurt because they always do when she is around

tell people the truth even when they don’t want to hear it

send girls around the world to school and watch the girl effect happen

play practical jokes on people that carry on for years

learn to shoot a gun even though I dont believe in them

ride my bike down the mountain and marvel at the patchwork like quilt the changing leaves create

jump in a pile of crispy crunchy leaves

have limitless resources

learn to just be

have a big garden to grow my own food

stop the clock and take a breath

take back all the hurts and the wrongs I ever inflicted before I knew better

learn from my mistakes so I don’t have to do it all over again

eradicate world suffering, hunger, and poverty

read and write and think uninterrupted

have more time to do the things that stir my soul….