The Ever Elusive Search for Approval
My parents will never know how much power I allow them to have over my emotions. If they were listening, this is what I would tell them:
I have spent the last 13 years of my life (and for that matter many of the years before that) trying to prove to you I was worthy of saving when my life was awry. All I’ve ever wanted was a little validation about the woman I am, the way I live my life, and the work I choose to do. It doesn’t seem like it should be rocket science, but for some reason the words must come so hard to you. Sometimes when I tell you exciting things about my life, it might be nice for you to fake an ounce of enthusiasm for my endeavors.
Corporate life has served you well, no doubt. And yes, yes I admit, I benefitted off the spoils of that life and was blessed with a college education and much more….but could you open your mind for just one brief moment and recognize that you reared two amazingly talented children that in their own little ways are changing the world.
It may not be your path and may not look like what you envisioned but it has value none the less. Sometimes when I hear your half-hearted response “That’s Good” it makes me so mad I just want to shake you out of your Stepford stupor. You miss me and want me to come home, you wonder why my brother who lives an hour away doesn’t visit more often or let you in on his world???
NEWSFLASH: Every child wants their parents to understand them and the world they live in. Every child wants their parent to be proud of them and their accomplishments. I know I’m being entirely too hard on you, but I am so angry at myself that I can’t seem to master this lesson. I am always hoping that you could see me the way others do, let alone the way I see myself.
My brother, who I have had a tumultuous relationship my whole life, actually gets it. Here is an excerpt of a text conversation we had this morning:
Me: “Remind me if I ever have my own children to tell them how proud of them I am. Our parents suck sometimes and I wish I didn’t let them get to me.”
Tim: “You have to be you, it’s your life. If you are confident in yourself you don’t need others approval. You are a strong woman so why depend on other’s opinions.”
Me: “I don’t except from them. I’m an amazing woman doing amazing things that make a difference in the world in their own small way and I know it.”
Tim: ”Then if you know it-why worry bout what others think. I keep going everyday when people say I’m doing it incorrectly because I have faith in what I am doing. (Note: He’s a research doctor) They are the ones who just won’t get it. If it upsets them so be it. It isn’t my intention. But it does mean I often go it alone and I have had to accept that, but it is no easy task. Do you know my goal every day is to save the world through research? Everyone scoffs and says set your goal lower you will never achieve it. Set it to something reasonable…They tell me their goal is to run a pcr a 5 minute procedure. What is the point of goals if they are easily achievable? We did a strategic plan and on my group I set lofty goals. They said we can’t achieve that in one year. I said this plan should be our vision that guides our actions. When I worked with Texas A & M they set their plan as goals and in it they recognized that they were not Harvard by perception but could achieve better. They became one of the top 3 vet schools by doing so, surpassing Cornell and Davis, by not being afraid. You have to do the same, do what you believe.
Me: “I get it and that’s what I’ve done. It’s why my team is so successful. The lofty goals and vision drives them to rise to the occasion and rally around something they care about.”
Tim: “Don’t let those without vision be your anchor.”
All I am going to say is I am blessed. I am grateful to call this man my brother, who is forging his own path and making a difference. He had some big breakthroughs in his research this week and I will say I am incredibly proud of the work he does.
And Jen and Ash, if I haven’t said it enough, “I love you. I’m proud of you. Every moment, good and bad, was worth it to see you exploring your own paths today. All that I could ever want for you is for you to be healthy and happy.”
And as for myself, I’m okay with being misunderstood and the few people around me that get it and/or me are plenty. And as Joan of Arc said, “I am not afraid, for I was born to do this.”
When oh when are you coming back to the blog?
Now that I see someone cares maybe I will. =)