Guilty Pleasures

I don’t watch much brain drain tv, but I will admit I like Grey’s Anantomy.  I am a late bloomer on this front; one holiday I was sick and watched three seasons in one sitting.  Now it is on my weekly tivo list, and I watch it when I need something a little mindless.   I knew last night would end this way, but of course who knows with the miracle of tv, next season izzy and george may return.  However it ends each week, I always love Meredith’s advice or quips at the end summing it all up.  Last night was exactly what I needed to hear. 

“Did you say it?  I love you.  I don’t ever want to live without you.  You changed my life.  Did you say it?  Make a plan.  Set a goal.  Work toward it.  But every now and then, drink it in.  Cause this is it.  It might all be gone tomorrow.”

Too often I don’t stop and drink it in.  I’ve been so busy defining myself by my career, I get tunnel vision sometimes and stay stuck on the performance treadmill.  The last few months have been challenging.  I had a breakthrough last night thanks to a good friend who has watched me grow over the years and always has a little perspective to add.  I define it-it doesn’t define me.  My job is only what it is because of what I bring to the table.  So maybe I AM just a little too old for a quarter life crisis, but damn, the lessons (especially the hard ones) just keep coming fast and furious in the last 5 years.  I call this phase coming into my own.  The saying goes “when the student is ready…”, so it must mean I am finally at a place in my life where I can handle these lessons, or I wouldn’t be receiving them-and that isn’t such a bad thing-right?  But I keep saying I am ready for the phase I call settling into my bones.  You know when it all just feels right and you are secure exactly where you are at-no matter what shakes you?

The lessson I got yesterday was-the pile of work isn’t going anywhere.  It will still be there on Monday when I return, and no one is going to die over the weekend because of it.  I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people, and I need to drink them and the experiences they offer me in.  And yet, others don’t define me either.  Seeing myself through my own eyes is what is the most important.

The older you get the more impending mortality slaps us square in the face.  If I am actually well past my quarter life crisis- I better get moving.  We never know how much time the universe has allowed us and I don’t want to miss a single magnificent moment- the good ones or the bad ones.  I have had a DNR since I was 19.  This was a heated debate in my family because of my age and impulsiveness at that time.  This is one thing that I haven’t changed my mind on as I have gotten wiser.  I can only hope that in the end my wishes are honored.  I get that love is so powerful it hurts to let go, but the greatest act of love is to give people the permission they need to move on to their next phase.  (Special honor and thanks to all the Hospice nurses I have known in the recent years-what an amazing organization and very touched people that work for it.)

I said it last night.  I chose to let go of the anger, sadness, resentment, fear and just let go and love.  Each person we encounter has touched or lives in some way, and today I am saying thank you.  Much gratitude to those that walk the path with me and hold me accountable to the inner work that is yet to be done, and the fun that is still be had.  Love and peace, and just for today (ok maybe the whole weekend) I am going to let my heart fill and drink the preciousness of it all in.  Just in case it is all gone tomorrow- there are no guarantees.

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~ by Phoenix Rising on May 15, 2009.