Seek first to Understand, then to be Understood

 

 I love the message on this billboard, but after dinner with some friends the other night I can’t stop thinking about how our closest friends are also our harshest critics (and what role I also play in this-cause we all know I am a harsh critic).  Women seem to have it out for each other, when we really should be rising up and embracing and supporting each other.  I experienced this so many times in the last week, especially as it pertains to mothering, that I couldn’t help but mull over what this is really about.

Scenario A:  A couple of coworkers went on and on the other day about how some women were lunching with their small children and how they had (gasp) wine (gasp) in the middle of the day (gasp) in front of their children.  Now mind you, the person doing the judging has a child whose father is a crack addict in and out of jail and she allows her son to have a relationship with him.  I think this boy needs his father in his life, so I’m not judging her on this, but I also think maybe she should be a little more tolerant of others.

Scenario B: I go to dinner the other night with two friends and one has a 5 month old.  On the way to dinner I tell friend A to smoke now because friend B doesn’t smoke around the baby.  Friend A is so very offended.  I explain that just because its ok around her family members children doesn’t mean everyone is ok with smoking near children, and that if we know that about Friend B, then for god sakes-don’t smoke for the freaking hour.  Evening progresses and out of the blue childless friend starts grilling Friend B about whether she has baby on a schedule or not.  She responded that yes he eats anywhere between 5-7 ounces every 2-3 hours.  Friend A is relentless saying “You think you know?  When you say you think, haven’t you done your research, shouldn’t you know for sure by now?”  And the judgement continued.  Later on the ride home, Judging friend continued by saying “I don’t think she got it.”  Really?  What did you want her to get your way to raise her child?

Scenario C:  I too am guilty of this.  When I was weekend stepmother I would judge all the time what real mom did or didn’t do.  She didn’t get your poster board you needed?? What a horrible mother! (I didn’t really say that, but I certainly thought it)  Fast forward to live-in step mother and I see there is a whole piece of the picture I was missing.  For example, needs were never shared until 11 pm or sometimes on the way to school at 6 am, and then the mean stepmother stories got started too.  I vowed after 2 years of experiencing this to never judge another mother again.  Unless of course, I feel the need to use my psychoanalytical skills on them.  I know someone who is in her 60′s and she lost her husband and son in the same year (son from suicide).  While this woman is an intelligent social worker, I believe she has a few screws missing because she has like 6 adopted children from foreign countries.  My judgements have included (to name a few): she’s too old to be raising all these babies, if you have to borrow the money to get them you don’t need them, if you have to have round the clock assistance because you work so much what value do you add to their life as a mother (and what value do you get from them for that matter, if you are never there), shes just trying to replace her son or fill a hole, the list goes on and on.  Why the fuck do I care??  I’m sure the kids are probably better off here, but when is good enough enough, and when is just good enough a disservice?  Who made me God?  Truth of the matter is I probably just wish I could have one.

 These are just a few examples, but we judge women each day in so many ways.  If she is raped, we judge what she was wearing or how she conducted herself.  If she has a child and works, we judge that.  If she stays home with baby we judge the fact that she has become a part of the “opt-out” revolution and is ruining women’s chance to break the glass ceiling.  If she’s pretty we believe she has no brain, if she isn’t pretty, we talk about her too.  Enough already!  There is no winning in this country if you are a woman.  And I say we, because yes I, self proclaimed feminist, am guilty also.  Judgments allow us to quickly access people and situations in a fast paced world where information is coming at us at lightening speed.  Sometimes we may be right and sometimes we may be wrong, but in our rush to make sense of our complicated world we are missing out on so much but judging too harshly and too quickly.

I don’t know any mother working or not who can argue with the concept that it truly does take a village to raise a child.  We can stop the madness, if we so choose, and support each other in the simplest ways.  Maybe you can’t help by giving a friend a night off by babysitting, but at the least we can all start by seeking to understand first.  Something I noticed in Kenya that still warms my heart is the bonding and camaraderie between women.  Women walked for water together, cooked together, and laughed together.  Women shared in parenting each others children and in the work of the day.  There are so many things that keep coming back to me about my experience in Kenya and their traditional gender roles.  I feel so very torn by the dichotomy of it all.  I am a feminist.  I don’t fit the mold.  I raised my girls to rage against the machine.  And yet, there was something so very right about their model.  While I am glad to have choice and the world is my oyster, I also recognize that there is something very deep and primal in the feminine that needs to fufill the caretaker mother role.  There is also something very deep that honors the fact that women are meant to congregate, work, and share with each other.  And Friend B- they aren’t judging you and your breast feeding.  Children in developing countries nurse on demand and it is proven to increase their immunity and health.  Nurse away!

 In the midst of all this, I do have a story to share that is all about what is right in the world.  So the night I went on my date, Mon tells 4 year old Julia that I was on a date.  Mon and I have never talked to Julia about me being gay, but because her heart and mind is wide open (and she’s smart and she happens to be 4 going on 40) she gets it all by herself.  Julia says “Is she on a date with Ms. Coworker?”  Mon laughed and said “No, they are just good friends.”  Julia says “Well I hope she’s pretty.”  This spawned a conversation about how it is important for dates to be nice, and looks don’t matter so much.  When Mon recounts this story we talk about how proud she and her husband should be.  By talking about families as people who love each other, sometimes with two mommies, sometimes with a mommy and daddy, sometimes with two daddies, and sometimes with a whole village-this child just wants me to be happy no matter who I love.  I’d say this is unconditional love and non-judgement at its best. Children are so pure with their love until we taint them.  Maybe this is another place we can start to make it right.  If we teach our children and our youth to love and support each other instead of tearing each other apart, I’d say we were taking a step in the right direction.   For me, I know all I have ever wanted was to be understood, so I’ll start by working to understand others each and every day.

~ by Phoenix Rising on April 20, 2009.